Online Guru Projected to Be Top Job by 2030
The Rise of the Online Guru
In what economists are calling “the final triumph of vibe over substance,” the Online Guru has officially overtaken doctor, astronaut, and God as the most sought-after profession of the coming decade. According to a viral TEDx talk hosted entirely inside a sensory deprivation tank, the future belongs to those brave enough to sell certainty to the confused masses for $47.99/month.
Peterson Prime Speaks
Jordan Peterson, now a translucent AI-augmented hologram known as Peterson Prime, flickered briefly into reality to confirm the trend:
“Everyone’s a lost idiot. It’s easy money. They’re wandering around asking the universe where off do you go when my soles are nicked by the fickle floorboards of the fundamentally flawed?”
He blinked twice, then monetized the question.
Enter the Gutterati
The elite new class of Internet Sages—dubbed the Gutterati—trace their spiritual lineage to a sacred alleyway: the space between doors 41 and 43, where one might go dark ways up in the gutter, whispering into ring lights about purpose and productivity while sipping mushroom-infused espresso.
Highlights include:
- Monthly mantras delivered via paid livestream
- 6-figure journaling courses
- Grit-pilled breathing techniques
- Affiliate links to enlightenment
The Algorithmic Awakening
Even trees are pivoting. One self-identified oak tweeted:
whereto ever doth thy greenness wane when night has fallen?
It gained 8.3 million followers.
The New Divine
Some bold text: And so, with algorithm as compass and ego as lantern, the gurus ascend.