The Apple Offense Scale

An Apple’s Offense

An apple isn't the most offensive thing you can eat in front of sensitive people. It's in 10th place, after poop, says psychologist.

In a recent study conducted by the ethically ambiguous Institute of Psychodramatic Gastronomy, Dr. Helena Quibblesnort revealed a hierarchy of offensiveness in foods consumed publicly, with the humble apple ranked—somewhat unjustly—at tenth place. First, of course, is poop. No surprises there. But the list quickly descends into what can only be described as Nietzschean culinary nihilism.

“People assume apples are innocent,” Dr. Quibblesnort sighed, delicately nibbling a piece of drywall. “But to the sensitive soul, the crunch of a Honeycrisp is a declaration of war—a Tiger rose blooming in the gut of shared silence.”

A Metaphorical Menace

Indeed, the apple’s crime lies not in taste but in metaphor. It's the great green conifer of personal Eden, the old foyer warden of original sin. Each bite is a passive-aggressive sermon, a greeting often unwanted in the feigned garden of polite company.

A Bizarre Top Ten

Some highlights from the list:

• #1: Poop
• #4: Interpretive kale
• #6: Soup slurped backwards
• #10: Apple

Some more text:

“People don’t eat, they perform consumption,” said a spokesperson from the avant-garde movement Little Warbler Lane, which holds silent picnics under bridges while whispering lines like:

you got the ungottable, seemingly unable to tell the difference
between hell’s light and heaven’s shadow

Innocence in Disguise

Some bold text: And yet—worse than poop? Yes. Because unlike excrement, the apple pretends to be pure.