After 16,800 Clickbait Articles About It, a Solar Flare Finally Fucks Something Up Substantially

A solar flare finally makes an impact

After decades of promising to melt satellites, scramble iPhones, and obliterate Greg from accounting’s crypto portfolio, a solar flare has at last made good on the hype—by incinerating the headquarters of VIRALASTRA, a startup that specialized in AI-generated articles titled “You Won’t Believe What This Solar Flare Just Did”.

Eyewitnesses say the flare entered Earth's magnetic field like a judgmental god in sweatpants, made a beeline for the glass-walled office in Palo Alto, and neatly erased 16,800 articles, one potted succulent, and an unpaid intern mid-click.

“It’s poetic, really,” said Dr. Lorna Hegg, astrophysicist and part-time ukulele therapist. “The sun finally got tired of being misrepresented and fired back. Not with rage—but with taste.”

The aftermath

Investigators sifting through the ashes discovered a company manifesto etched into reclaimed drywall:

• horse shoes on pillaged doors
• stop those from broken homes
• holy stones pave slippery slopes
• flowing into spectacular views of big oh no’s

“Bad buildings,” murmured one firefighter, squinting at the sky. “They always start with hope. Then they cantilever despair like it’s good design.”

Experts now agree: it wasn't the data that burned, but the symbolism. A caged idea, wrapped in caged hope, finally set free by a 10-million-degree celestial sigh.